Kilt Controversy

A row broke out at Grangemouth Sports and Leisure Complex on Saturday when a man was refused entry in a kilt.

Proud Scot Dougie Archibald fumed " I'm a true and proud Scot as you can see and I wear my kilt everywhere. I like nothing better than demonstrating my patriotism and love for my country by cheerfully and traditionally sliding down the flumes in The Plaid. It gives me a great thrill. I can't see why the fascists at the baths in Grangemouth have a problem. Rumour has it that the manager is English and that would explain a lot."

Gary Jones the Manager of the complex gave his side of the story. Speaking exclusively to The Satire he explained " look I'm not even English I'm Welsh. I'm married to a Scotch Lass and my kids are Scotch. This has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a hairy arsed lout flagrantly getting his jollies by exposing his tackle to all and sundry. He's always at it. There are kids on those flumes for God's sakes."

Local SNP activist Donny McMurdo was unimpressed with that however and waded in.

" It's a well known fact that the Welsh are practically English, and that they fought against us at Bannockburn and Falkirk. They are obviously jealous of our proper parliament and our kilts and try to copy everything we do. I will be taking this to the European court of human rights. It's blatant racial discrimination.No wonder it's still legal to kill a Welshman in Chester."

Today Dougie Archibald remained defiant and vowed to continue sliding down the flumes with abandon.

" No sheepshagging druid troglodyte is going to stop me from exercising my democratic right to wear my national dress. He can piss off back to his own country and stop being racist."

A report is being sent to the Procurator Fiscal.