A Fife man has taken his own mother to the European Court of Human Rights for the mental torture suffered during his youth.
The Cowdenbeath man who wishes to remain anonymous says he is traumatised by the fact that his mother must have known that he was wanking like a mechanical chimp all through his adolescence - and yet said nothing!
Speaking out for the first time, he told us yesterday, ' I didn't realise she'd even noticed until a friend pointed out she would have had to fold my sheets with a mallet. And would undoubtedly have found the grumble-encrusted knickers I stole off my next-door-neighbour's washing-line (lovingly hidden under my pillow) whenever she changed the sheets.'
' It never ever occured to me that, for all those years she must have known, until Fat Davie told me in the pub last week' he told us. 'I'm mortified.'
A member of the Mother's Association commented, ' What an arse. They're all like that in Cowdenbeath. Wankers. But this is a sensitive family issue and we would rather not comment further. ' She then burst out laughing and phoned all her friends.
A spokesman for The European Court Of Human Rights told us, ' This is utterly ridiculous and a total waste of time. I don't even need to take this one to court. The poor man! I can tell you right now, we'll be finding in his favour and offering considerable damages. His mother may even be guilty of Wank Crimes, although I might just have made that one up.'
He then banged that wooden thing on his desk, adjusted his wig comically like in the films and told an assembled crowd ' Case dismissed!'
(Photo above: The outraged neighbour yesterday)