In a shock new directive from an unelected and unaccountable twat in Brussels yesterday. Ghost tours in Edinburgh must have people shitting themselves in the next two years.
E.U Commissioner Guy Pierre Van Hoinkydoink(50) made the announcement to the European Parliament's Committee de Merde Triviale of which he is Chairman. Speaking through a translator because he gets a huge budget and tax breaks for using one, and he wouldn't lower himself to speak English anyway. He told The Satire's Europe correspondent Carlos Minglez that a complete shake up was on the cards. "On the cards there eez a shake up complete. The tourists must know that when they pay good Euros to get a fright then that is exactly what they will get. They must be, how you say...bricking it?"
Under the new rules outlined by the Commissioner, Edinburgh City Council will have to start coming up with some real ghosts pretty sharpish or be forced to redefine Ghost tours as "Unemployed Actor Tours."
In view of this Edinburgh council have enlisted the help of camp scouse fuckwit Derek Acorah(90),the former star of Undead TV's Most Haunted series. "We hope Derek can help us prove the existence of all our popular ghosts and presumably track down a few more." Said Davina Donaldson(51) a council spokesperson on the matter. "No one can walk around this city after midnight and not claim it's haunted. There are some real horrors." She continued trying to sound like Bela Lugosi but looking and sounding more like Bella Emberg.
Edinburgh is renowned for its paranormal activity. The Old Town alone is said to be home to more than 3,000 ghosts. One of the more famous is supposedly the ghost of Margaret Campbell aka 'half droonded, thrice rin oer wi a lawnmower Mags' due to the method of her bizarre suicide in 1803. Her insane high pitched cackles are said to ring through the streets of the old town at 03:30 in the morning despite nobody being there other than the odd crowd of Leeds girls on a hen night. Whatever the temptation, never venture lightly into the area surrounding Calton Hill after the witching hour. For there among the bushes and trees can be heard the ghostly moans and groans of Wee Willie Lightbody. Who met his death there in 1989 when he choked on an extra large condom. Tread not with impunity around Polwarth at any time of day. For among the dreary back streets and alleyways stalks the Hairy Hound O' Gorgie hunting for it's next hapless victim. Some say it's the ghost of an enormous hunting hound seeking vengeance for the murder of it's master Tam 'welcher' McGee. Others say that it's real flesh and blood and point to the enormous amount of dog shite strewn around the pavements of Polwarth as proof of it's existence. Some say it's a load of bollocks. Who's to say who is right.
Despite the engagement and efforts of Mr. Acorah. Documentary proof of spooky goings on in Edinburgh has remained elusive. He was however undeterred in his mission. " Ghosts are very real I'm tellin yer like" He told us unconvincingly.
It's rumoured that if Mr. Acorah fails to prove the existence of any ghosts, Yvette Fielding will be drafted in. That's enough to scare the shite out of anyone.