( Left:Mr. McGrory after laser eye treatment)
(Right: Almost Legendary tits)
A Lanarkshire man is set to bring a £1,000,000 lawsuit against former children's TV presenter Sally James on the grounds that she completely ruined his eyesight.
Kevin McGrory of Community Rd Bellshill is outraged that he has failed to realise his childhood dream of becoming an airline pilot, and puts the blame squarely at the door of the busty Tiswas star.
"Up until I was 9 my eyesight was better than a hawk with binoculars, then Sally came on Saturday morning telly with her Almost Legendary Pop Interviews and things started to slip. You have to remember these were the days before cable, or Internet or even Channel 4 with it's arty french porn films. Catching a glimpse of Sally's cleavage at the weekend was every boys highlight. To make things worse my Maw and Da used to go to ASDA and leave me in the hoose alone. I made the most of it I can tell you. It was ecstasy. The sight of those babies jiggling as she laughed was as good as watching hard core dutch filth. I ruined two settee's, and three carpets. When the guys came from General George to fit a new one they had to tear the old one up with a pneumatic drill. My Mother was disgusted."
But young Kev was to pay dearly for his libidinous pleasure. "I paid dearly for my liby..libid...lobby...horny fun" he said, wiping away a tear of regret. "By the time I was 14 my eyesight was away to fuck. I couldn't even knock one out to page three of The Sun as I couldn't even find the paper let alone the pictures. I made Mr. Magoo look like Steve Austin. And that's not all. Both my young brothers are over six feet tall. I stayed at 4'10" the rest of my days. I also had hands like a gorilla's and had to shave them every other day. It was all very traumatic. Much as I have fond memories of Sally, her and her big lovely tits have a lot to answer for."
Despite thousands of pounds spent on corrective eye treatment Mr. McGrory is still "as blin as a bat" and experts say he will never be able to as much as fly a kite never mind a passenger jet.
"It all sounds very tragic but this has really got fuck all to do with me." Said Sir Richard Branson. Beardy owner of some aeroplanes, dismissively from his mobile phone. In a balloon somewhere over the Atlantic when The Satire called him yesterday. " If the authorities say he can't fly," he explained, "He can't fly. How the hell did you get this number?"
Sally James(58) was not prepared to talk to us no matter how great we said her tits were. However her lawyer, Digby Carter-Cunt of Shyster Huxter and Cunt emphatically denied the claim.
"My Almost Legendary client denies this claim emphatically. It's absurd and ridiculous. I have inside information from Mr. McGrory's brother that my client was not the only object of his desire. Apparently he was regularly pulling the head of it to Sheena Easton, Janet Ellis, The cadbury's bunny and even Fran & Anna. Why should Ms. James take all the spunk..I mean blame. Besides, I and many another young lad were chugging away at the sight of Sally's hooters and it never done us any harm." He said, talking to a lamp post.
Lenny Henry was available for comment 143 times this week but we wouldn't answer the phone.