Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

"Stop Laughing at My Arse!!!" Screeches Baboon

A primate at Edinburgh zoo lashed out yesterday at what it sees as "Speciesism".

Mr B.A Boon (7) of Enclosure 12b ranted. "I've had about enough of this shite! It really bursts my bananas. Just what the fuck is so funny about my arse? Eh?! You don't see groups of schoolkids going about here pointing and pissing themselves a laughing at any other species rear ends do you? Ok Ok occasionally the chimps raise a titter or two but nothing on the knicker wetting scale of baboons backsides. Any more of it and we are on strike. No more clowning around ,pulling faces, scratching our ringpiece or having a wank on my watch let me promise you."

"These baboons have got a cheek. In fact they've got two and they are big red and fucking hilarious." Claimed Frankie Douglas from Partick visiting with his two kids. "These monkeys come over here and sit around all day doing fuck all but shag shit and eat at the taxpayers expense. The least they can do is entertain us. If they don't want us laughing at their arses why do they go about with them looking so bright red and bloated? If they don't like it they can bugger off back to bongo bongo land and gie us peace."

Mr Boon hit back, "Oh is that right? We deliberately go about with our arses looking like this do we? How would he like it if I took my troop round to his flat and all split our sides at his Mrs' fat farter? I heard the bitch needs a whole couch to herself. I worked with David Attenborough you know."

Mr. Boons arse is on display between 9:00 and 18:00 each day.

Drug Cheat Armstrong speaks exclusively to The Satire!

Catholic nun turned respected academic theologian and best-selling author Karen Armstrong has today spoken excusively to The Satire about her drug-cheating shame.

In a frank and candid no holds barred interview Armstrong revealed how sorry she felt about the whole affair.

Armstrong was caught cheating as part of a routine drugs test following her ninth consequentive victory in the annual 'Tour de Force' championship; where popular academic theologians battle it out over 21 gruelling days to write an entire book on an obscure aspect of Catholic doctrine - whilst simultaneously peddling an exercise bike.

"To be honest, I've never really understood what the exercise bike has to do with the whole thing. But them's the rules. Thankfully being an ex-nun, it goes without saying that I have very powerful thighs. So that part has always been a dawdle for me."

"And luckily, my 700-page articulation of the contrived parallels between the primary tenets of The Second Vatican Council and an obscure numinous aspect of Sufi theology was a winner with the judges!"

"That said, yes of course I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. But they're all at it. My drug of choice was a cocktail of communion wine, incense, horse tranquilisers with just a dash of crystal meths."

"If only I hadn't got caught, I could still be living it up in my big fuck-off Hollywood mansion riding that slice of sexy Texas tottie Sheryl Crowe ragged. I certainly showed HER the meaning of the word 'Transubstantiation'."

"Seriously, I literally had to explain the concept to her - seven times. Dumb bitch. But what a pair of freakin' knockers on it, eh? A mighty, mighty fine, ah-say-ah-say, a migh-tee migh-tee f-aaaaine piece of ass! Yes siree!, hot diggedy diggedy dawg! Praise the Lord! "

Labour Party to Re-Launch Ed Milliband

                                                           Mr. Milliband before (left) and after (right) the re-branding


The Labour party has unveiled their "New Look" Ed Milliband exclusively to The Satire.
After a six month consultation process with PR gurus Wanky&Wanky costing £1,000,000 per month the leader of the opposition will now be re-launched as Eddie Megabland TM. Tarquin Wanky, co-director of Wanky&Wanky explains.

"If you look at the before and after photograph closely you can see how much work went into this re-branding process. On the Left you can see Ed looking a bit useless and bewildered and so last administration. Thanks to a new tie and a trim, in the photo on the right you can see the new dynamic Eddie looking all focused and Dave Camerony and stuff. We think we have a winning formula in the new look Eddie."

Together with the new look the team have come up with some hip new slogans for the launch.

"Megabland the Megabrand."

"He's Mega, he's bland, he's Megabland."

"Now with 33% extra bland it's MEGABLAND!"

are just some of examples of what's on offer. Asked whether or not the public would be fooled into voting for someone just by repackaging them as more conservative, Mr. Wanky replied.

"Why not? It worked for Tony Blair."

Shown the before and after photo's, regular rent-a-quote for The Satire Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead said.

"Who's that posh looking tosser? He looks a complete twat!"

On being told it was the leader of the Labour party Miss MacGlinchie said he'd definitely get her vote as her Mum always voted Labour.

If the re-launch is a success the team plan to re-brand Ed Balls by ironing his shirt and calling him Edward Bollocks.







                                                           

100th Satire Article Causes Sensation

Our Celebration earlier. Good. Isn't it

Happy New Year and Ceud mile failte, as pretentious twats who don't speak gaelic say on those fucking awful Hogmanay shows hosted by Jackie Bird, to our 100th article.

Congratulation flooded in from all our reader earlier this morning. What a fantastic journey it has been. Who would have thought all those years ago when Mr. Mingles and myself were unemployed and getting slightly fed up and disgusted with ourselves wildly  masturbating all day, that we would have reached the magnificent zenith of 100. Yes that's right, that's with two zero's. Our 100th article in just under four years. That's roughly a workload of 2.35 articles a month. Phew!

Earlier last year Mr. Mingles and myself got together to discuss this very eventuality. It was a heavy brainstorming session over two skinny lattes in Beanscene well into the we small hours of later that same afternoon. What would it be about? Perhaps an hilarious spoof of a well known talking heads,100 down to 1, nostalgia show. Maybe an irreverent lampoon of a well known political or celebrity figure. Or per chance a live action broadcast starring Ant & Dec, Graham Norton and Pippa Middleton's arse.

In the end after much deliberation and soul searching, we decided we couldn't be fucked really, so here it is in all it's resplendent glory.

What do you think this is? The Onion? Piss off!

"Congratulations on your 100th article and may you die of mange."

Alex Salmond

"The Satire is an inspiration to us all. We can only crouch in it's magnificent shadow."

The Onion

"100 articles in three years? That's not really very good is it?"

AA Gill

"I find your articles puerile, offensive, homophobic, xenophobic and devoid of sensitivity."

Jeremy Clarkson

"I salyoot your indefatigable organ. May the wrath of Allah descend upon your heads."

George Galloway

"Not nearly enough articles about me."

Robert Kilroy Silk

"oooOOOOooooohhh Mr. Tinky winky wonky woo doesn't like The Satire, coz it's like bigoted an stuff, an your rude an nasty to people."

Russel Brand

"Oh God Yeah! Do you remember when The Satire first came out?  It was brill! Along with space hoppers and sherbet dabs and Tiswas and your mum hated it."

Stuart Maconie

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.