Gordon Brewer Not Dead

The BBC is in mourning today at the shock news Gordon Brewer is still alive.

Tributes are pouring in from friends and colleagues said to be distraught by the news.

"We are distraught by the news" said an insider at Queen Margaret Drive who didn't want to be named for reasons of embarrassment. "We thought that Gordon was brown bread years ago but apparently and unbelievably he's still on Newsnight Scotland."

Brewers' family were last night being comforted by friends and relatives who rallied round, and were unavailable for comment. However a spokesman for the family said. "Please respect the fact that they are in grave shock as you can imagine. Realising that your loved one is not at all pushing up daisies is bad enough, but it's insult to injury to be made aware that he is still in fact presenting a shite regional news show. They just can't take it in."

The alarming fact that Brewer wasn't dead was discovered when John Mcwhirter(64) a night watchman from Largs, fell asleep during "Real Newsnight" and woke to find the presenter "wittering on about the plight of the fishing industry. I thought it was old footage from years ago, but imagine how aghast I was when Alex Salmond came on live from Holyrood talking about Gordon Brown making an arse of things and that." Mr McWhirter then phoned an incredulous BBC to break the news that Brewer had "done a Lazarus".

Gordon Brewers' colleagues at Real Newsnight gave touching tributes. Jeremy Paxman lamented "It is a sad day for British journalism. We all thought that Gordon had gone to a better place, but now it seems he is still in Glasgow rudely interrupting important and infinitely superior news coverage at inopportune moments to bring the people of Scotland embarrassing parochial trivia. " Mr Paxman then wept openly. Former Newsnight presenter Jeremy Vine Paid tribute to Gordon in a phone in on his Radio 2 show asking his listeners to phone in any newsworthy stories from around Scotland for Gordon to read out. " Try to be brief" he said. " And try and make it fuck all to do with fishing"

Unfortunately tonight's scheduled Newsnight Scotland will go on the air as usual.