Thursday, 13 November 2008

Fury! As Scottish Episcopal Church Ordain Christian

(Above : Episcopal Logo)              
                                  (Right: His Lordship The Right Rev Dr. Rowan Williams MBE,D.I.S.C.O)
The Anglican communion was once again in uproar yesterday over the announcement that they ordained an openly Christian cleric as the new Bishop of Edinburgh.
The Rev. Basil Nice (43) has sparked controversy before in his 12 year career with his outlandish behaviour and his candid opinions. After being a priest for only six months in his first parish of Hamilton, he upset his flock by dismissing Astrology as "a complete load of bollocks and incompatible with the Christian world view." He then further embarrassed everyone by selling all his possessions and giving the proceeds away to a homeless shelter.
Speaking from his villa in Portugal Rev. Nice's former assistant to the Rector at Hamilton , Maj. Tim Wealthy ,explained. "We didn't see a problem at first as he can do what he likes with his own cash, but it made the rest of us feel very guilty and awkward. Then he had a go at the Masons, saying that we ought to make up our minds which religion we wanted to be in. It just isn't on.
Women's Institute organiser Elspeth Tiara-Mansion (Over 21) from his former parish in Morningside complained bitterly to the General Synod that nice had cancelled her Yoga classes and instead introduced Bible study hours. "Phewww!!! What a loony." Was the only comment she would make to The Satire this morning. 
His ordination has come at a time when both Scotland's Primus and the Archbishop of Canterbury are already under fire for the appointment of George Stout as the Bishop of St. Andrews. Stout (52) astonished everyone when he came 'out' as a believer in the virgin birth and claimed the Resurrection as "a very real event." Many people have alleged to have seen him reading The Bible in a sincere manner. Local press have reported him cruising  for converts in the seedier parts of towns and cities offering people forgiveness for their sins.
Meeting the very owl like Dr. Rowan Williams at Lambeth Palace earlier today I asked him frankly if this was the thin edge of the wedge. He was very concerned at the outrage over this issue . Speaking from his perch he told me. "I'm very concerned at the outrage over this issue but I have very little or no authority over the Scottish Church" He hooted and blinked revolving his head around in an impressive 360 degree sweep. "Further more, if you ask me jumping up and down and doing your nut about things is not very helpful. There are a lot of intolerant bigots out there who just can't see anybody else's point of view. Especially if those views are a bit Bible thumpy and weird. But let's face it, I mean people don't come to church to be preached to. We should forget all this dogmatic brouhaha about, 'did Jesus say this?' or 'would Jesus do that?', and just get on with the central Christian message about all being jolly nice to one and other.
Taking advantage of the Archbishop's momentary distraction by a mouse in a neighbouring field, I pressed him further as to whether or not this could split the church. "Will this split the church" I said. " Off course there will always be those who can't accept the churches teaching on things. To them I can only say,' look. Jesus had a beard and so do I....geddit? No? Right!  Off course not.That's why I'm an Archbishop. And you are not.' "
The Rt Rev. Dr. Rowan Williams was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury when his predecessor Rt Rev. Dr Drew Carey left to pursue a career in an American sitcom. Unfortunately for him the voices of dissent are legion. The outspoken and controversial former Bishop of Edinburgh Dr. Richard Hologram branded Williams a "beardy tosspot", and confidently boasted that he could " take him any day." "Mark my words." He continued." This is the slippery slope to setting The Church back 2,000 years. Before you can say 'disestablishmentarianism' we will all be running around in robes and sandals healing the sick, and taking the Ten Commandments seriously. Frankly it's a total balls ache."
Richard Dawkins is 67.


charliemingles said...

another fine piece of investigative journalism sir. I'd sent that off to one of those spoof religious sites, see of theyre use it. Dont get the richard dawkins gag though.

Anonymous said...

shouldnt that be 'ordains christian'? being that the church is singular and not plural?


Prof Gavin Stott
Sunderland Institute for Petty Hectoring Pedantry

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Stott,

That would be an Ecumenical matter.

C. Hitchens

Religious Correspondent

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Hitchens