George Galloway SPEAKS! Satire EXCLUSIVE!

Speaking to The Satire yesterday, noble humble leader and voice of the common people, George Galloway (peace be upon his name) talked movingly about the next mountain he is set to conquer.

" It has been a great victory here in Bradford. A noble victory, a humble victory, a victory for the common man against the hordes of Babylon who have invaded the citadel of our noble yet indefatiguable proletarian heartland.

" But it does not stop here my friends, comrades, admirers and potential funding sources for future foreign jaunts ...

"For too too, and indeed, too, long, the Galloway household has been under an oppressive regime, a totalitarian dictatorship, a fiendishly manipulative yet indefatiguably powerful force. I speak of course of my wife - Mrs George Galloway.

"My cigar-smoking, loud shouting and bombastic tirades of long, unnecessary, indefatiguable and often grammatically incorrect sentences have already been banished from the sitting room during both Eastenders and, indeed, Coronation Street.

"And my friends, I am sad to report that I now cannot even pronounce upon my soapbox in the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle to boil or for one of my beloved Poptarts to heat up.

" But no longer my friends, no longer. For with the sweep of momentum that this historic, noble, humble and indefatiguable victory has brought asunder, the popular might of the people shall be brought down upon this tyranny, And be in no doubt - it shall end!

"First we shall take back the sitting room. Next, the spare room and the kitchen. Then the top floor study, ground floor study, library, guest room and main first floor conservatory.

"Then it is merely a small step to retake the East Wing - not literally of course, its actually a 10-15 minute walk and three flights of stairs. But there is an antique fainting couch one can rest on to view the lake near the main stables half-way up.

"But once this part is captured and re-occupied by the people ( in the form, of course, of my good, moustachioed and noble self) then we shall have another historic victory under our belts my friends - and the proletariat will ... once more ... have spoken ...

"Viva La Revolutionae! And God Bless Bristol - sorry, Bradford."

"I Can't get a Shag." Moans Celebrity Pair of Tits

            An apparently unloved pair of tits. Everybody! Aaaaaaaaaawwwww.

A famous walking, talking, occasionally acting pair of tits had a right greet about not getting any to anyone credulous enough to listen to her shite last week.

"God knows what I have to do." Gret the 49 year old fit looking pair of tits on legs to our bored reporter. "I think men must be intimidated by my celebrity status and sheer Hellenic beauty.They just never ever ask me out. My Jackie Danny has all but healed up."

As the news broke out 300,000,000 horny blokes worldwide choked on their beer then pissed themselves a laughing in complete disbelief and derision.

"Obviously when you earn 40 Squillion Dollars a year and live in Beverly Hills it's a bit difficult to get chatted up by a bloke who earns 50 Squillion, when you are past your best and are competing with a legion of 18-30 year old aspiring actresses who will suck George Clooney's cock for nowt. I think that's what she means." Said pub philosopher and bitter cynic Tom Laird (44)who asked not to be named as he's in enough trouble with the sisterhood. "Has she tried putting on a mini skirt and going to a bar full of squaddies?" He continued naively.

Chartered Accountant Mike Cohen from New York added. "I agree with Tom. I had the misfortune to share an elevator with Ms Pairoftits in a plush hotel in Paris. I'd heard all this guff before about how these beautiful  women never get approached so 'I thought what the hey, I'll give it a shot. ' I presented my business card and said' Hi there, I hope you don't mind my being forward but would you join me for a drink lat......' That's as far as I got before she screamed 'NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ' at the top of her voice, drove her handbag into my face with both hands in rhythm to the 'No's' then maced me in the eyes and mouth. So you could say the results were disappointing. Thank the Lord I didn't tell her about wanting to cum all over her ass."

Speaking from San Quentin prison, former celebrity stalker Dwayne Frottage fumed. "This adds insult to injury. I left her over 4000 texts, made 3000 phone calls, pestered her at work and at home and jerked off into her undies. What do I get? Banged up in a cell with a black gangster who calls me Mary. There's no justice. If I had have been rich, famous and handsome instead of a 16 stone geek with greasy hair and a hygiene problem it would have been wedding bells and not a lawsuit." He was then dragged backwards by the heels into his cell by a 230 pound negro wearing lipstick.

Courtney Cox is full of shit.

"No one Wants to Look at Me Anymore" Complains Old Saggy Pair of Tits

                                  Angela Rippon last night

A Previously young attractive and pert pair of tits has been having a right old moan about not being desirable anymore.

" I remember years ago when I was young and jiggly, people wanted to see me on the telly reading the news and that. I was so popular that they fired perfectly competent and adequate middle aged, middle class men in suits just to get me on. Now I'm old and saggy and a bit past it, all they want to do is replace me with a younger better looking pair of tits. It's a scandal and a disgrace!" Whined the wrinkly pair of old funbags that never used to give a fuck about ageism when she was young and jiggly.

"To add Insult to injury they don't even pay me as much as the younger firmer pairs of tits. I get a pittance to present third rate daytime TV property porn, and stair lift, SAGA holiday and pet insurance adverts. I would tell them to ram it up their arses if I wasn't desperate to keep my mug on camera at all costs."

"They say that no one is interested in looking at an old flabby pair of doodahs tucked into support tights. Well I simply don't get it. Because they used to."

Gloria Hunniford is 93.

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                   

        The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"

Jools Holland says             " I've always done alright with the birds.

                                       But ever since buying one of these Brannen

                                       Jobbies,  girls as young as 16 have been 

                                       queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM  that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want. 

But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.

Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.

Features Include:

• A big fuck off button on the front.
• A display that tells you what's on and that.
• A Dial that's the big button as well
• Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi 

These exclusive innovations allow you to:

• Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
• Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
• You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
• One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
• Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag

If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...

Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."

Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.

"If I had have had one of them  Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"

  M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor

" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I  Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"

 Anders Behring Breivik. Norway

" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"

  That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK

 " Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"

   Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds

  " I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out."  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.

Ask The Doctor.

                     

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it. 

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,

     My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe?    Werner Von Abwehr,  Paraguay

A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill. 

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients.  Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton

A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.

Q. Dear Doctor Szell,

     I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?

     G. Osborne. Westminster

A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's

Q. Dear Dr. Szell,

     I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around?  Marc Almond.  (Address withheld)

A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.

Q. Dr. Szell,

     I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment?  Anders Behring Breivik.  Norway

A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe?  Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail

A. Ja! Idiot!

Q. Dr. Szell,

     Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie?  Ms R. Young. Blantyre

A. Nein!

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.

A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine  or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.

Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?

Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,

     I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you?  Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag

A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.

That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.

Next Week.....  Dr. Ian Paisley

     

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

                                  ( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.


At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.