( Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)
(Left: Richard Digance in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His Jaguar )
A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."
The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.
" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."
The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.
" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."
Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005).
Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."
One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.
Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.