Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.
His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.
“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”
Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man's a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”
Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”
Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.