Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Scotia Blend Launch Swarfega Tea

(Pictured  Left: Mmm Heavy Duty. Above : A chimp gives seal of approval. Right: A mug of the new blend.)

World famous Glasgow tea company Scotia Blend have sensationally thrown their hat into the highly competitive luxury flavoured tea ring, with their newly launched Swarfega Tea.

The company based in the East End of the city made the announcement yesterday at the RMT Union Club in Bridgeton, to a crowd of over 1500 cheering mechanics and 300 labourers.
"We at Scotia Blend believe that this is a landmark in our 100 year history. What better way to mark our centenary, than with a new flavour we believe will out sell Earl Grey, Chamomile and even bog standard Typhoo within a couple of years." Thundered Scotia's National Product Director Archie MacPhee into a whistling, crackling P. A system.
Frankie Douglas(26) a tyre fitter from Partick enthusiastically gave Swarfega Tea the thumbs up. He told The Satire, "This is just fantastic news. You just can't beat a manky mug of tea. It's rare. At least in the workplace that's not a problem as most of our cups and mugs are practically marinated in Swarfega, but when you get home at night you miss that. I tried bringing a bogging mug back form work but the wife went spare. This way i can enjoy tea the way i know and love it in the comfort of my own settee. Nothing quite beats the aromatic flavour, though I admit some herbal teas come close."
Asked whether the wider public outside the auto shop would wholeheartedly embrace the new product Tommy MacAvoy, Scotia's International Sales Coordinator , had this to say. " I believe so.  Even when you consider labourers, sewage workers, and painters and decorators. There is a wealth of people who developed a taste for this kind of thing, while sitting for hours in a Kwick Fit waiting room as a ten minute job dragged out all day."
The Head Keeper of the Primate enclosure at Edinburgh zoo had deep reservations about the new tea however. " There's nothing a chimp loves more than a nice cup of char to stave of the stress, boredom and insanity of prolonged captivity in a confined space, as you know. Except of course  masturbating frantically in front of groups of schoolkids and affronted teachers. But anyway, I have to say our monkeys loved it instantly. But it did give them the most terrible shits and we've spent all day cleaning up the mess, as well as having to hospitalise three of the buggers. It makes life so much harder for the keepers. The kids love it though."
Scotia Blend are unfazed by this though as most mechanics have a much stronger constitution than chimps. So confident are the company in the success of the venture that they already have a whole range of follow up products in the pipeline including:
  • Swarfega Tea with a hint of diesel oil
  • Swarfega Tea with white bits
  • Decaf Swarfega Tea with overpowering saccharine
  • Turpentine Coffee
  • Sugar with big brown lumps through it  
As well  as the new flavours Scotia have also announced a new line of accessories such as chipped, heavily tannin stained, greasy mugs. Sugar and powdered milk encrusted spoons, and a range of Titty Calenders with big grubby fingermarks and badly drawn cocks.

(Editor's Note: If you are a small child worried about the fate of Coco, Smeato and Banjo. Fear not. The zoo assure us that Coco is coming round, and two new baby chimps are currently being tranquilized and crated up in Burundi as we write this.)


charliemingles said...

I see youre challenging me with your new haiku news stories.

short & snappy.

Anonymous said...

this scotia company are busy. they seem to make everything from tea to fucking aeroplanes. wht can people just stick to one thing and do it properly.

R Branson
Ballooning fuckwit

Anonymous said...

Dear Sirs,

I am totally appalled at the complete lack of understanding displayed in the above article.
Firstly. Chimps are not "monkeys" as claimed by Edinburgh's animal Jailer. Chimps, as any school kid knows, are in fact marsupials meaning they give birth to live eggs.
Secondly. While on the subject of school kids, I am sorry that the teachers are embarrassed by a perfectly natural act. Instead of cringing and making off color remarks, why don't they take the time to explain that this is a perfectly normal thing for chimps to do. And perhaps encourage them to bare their bottoms at the chimps
to join in the fun.
Thirdly. My Chimps thought Scotia tea was shite. We will be sticking to Rooibos at our parties thank you.

Jane Goodall

Gombe Stream