(Above: The kind of student Japes Lucy can't be arsed with)
(Right: Lucy- not being arsed)
An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can't be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.
Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.
" I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni." She confidently told The Satire, then added. "All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I'm an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make 'jiggy-jiggy'. It's ludicrous."
Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy's less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. " I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that's full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know."
Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. " I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn't done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it's a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can't really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of your house as everyone will know you're a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it's all about where you've been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider."
Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. " Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it's exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.
Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.