In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.
It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.
If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.
Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.
When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.
*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.